The Fallacy of "They Just Want Attention"

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING.

There are a lot of things that make me righteously indignant in life. People who don't signal when they turn left, racism, churches that favor talent over righteous living (that's a post for another day, but it's still worth noting).

However, very few things get me quite as instantly worked up as the phrase, "oh, they're probably just doing it for the attention." 

"Why is that so frustrating?" you might ask.

Most of the time, this phrase is used to explain why someone doesn't really need help, or that they are not in any actual danger. It is often used in reference to people who engage in self-harm, drugs, or even promiscuity. It is a safe response, one that says that a person engaging in these things is "just doing it for attention" and that we, as the responsible, currently uninvolved people we are, should ignore either the person or the behavior entirely. 

This logic makes no sense. Here. Let me prove it with a proof. 

1. [activity] is dangerous or addictive (given)

2. [name] is engaging in [activity].

3. [name] is an attention-seeker.

4. Therefore, [name] is safe from the danger of [activity]. 

What? When you look at it closely, it doesn't make sense. Now, I am not claiming that everyone who engages in something dangerous is actually doing it for attention consciously - it very well may be a coping mechanism and meant to be either hidden or ignored, neither of which are healthy - or the cry for attention might be a survival instinct and not intentional. Either way, there is nothing inherently wrong with crying for attention. Let me repeat that: 

There is nothing inherently wrong with crying for attention. Here are three reasons why. 

1. No one sets out to become an alcoholic.

People don't sit down with their first drink planning on ruining their future marriage or their health. They drink for fun or because of peer pressure (usually). Now, it's very true that not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, and I'm not making some "anti-alcohol" statement. What I am saying is that the reason someone is engaging in a highly addictive activity, such as cutting, is in danger of becoming an addict NO MATTER WHY THEY ARE DOING IT. That's just a fact. In that sense, a person's reasons don't matter. Their chosen mode of coping or attention-seeking is in itself dangerous. Let's say a six year old kid climbs onto their roof, and starts yelling for a parent. No parent in their right mind is going to walk away once they see what their child is doing, shrugging and saying, "it's just a grab for attention." NO. You help your kid. In that same way, as soon as you see someone engaging in a dangerous activity, you do whatever you can to help them get out of danger. Even if they 

2. Drowning people are attention seekers. 

Imagine the scene: Someone is in the ocean, screaming and thrashing and making a fit. Instantly, a lifeguard facepalms. "Stupid little attention seeking teenagers," he says, as he applies sunscreen to his nose and repositions his sunglasses. "They just want to see your reaction." 

That is never, ever what happens. A lifeguard rushes into the water and does everything they can to save the drowning person. This should be obvious, but somehow it isn't the obvious reaction when someone is having an internal emergency. If a person is doing something to cope with their pain, they might, in fact, be doing it for attention, just like a drowning person splashes and screams for help. With mental and emotional problems, people are often robbed of the words they need to ask for help, so they resort to some extreme something so they can be seen. Basically, if they are cutting for attention, they need it. They might need medical, emotional, or psychological attention, but they certainly need love and attention. Seriously, open your eyes to the possibility that someone is drowning on the inside, and they need you. They need your attention and your help. If you see the cries for attention, do something! Find a counselor, tell parents, do what you have to, and love whomever needs you. Be there. You are needed. 

3. "It is not good for a man to be alone." 

This point is actually directly Biblical. God Himself makes a perfect, sinless world, and it wasn't good for the only human to be the only human, he needed companionship. Seriously, in a perfect world, people needed other people. Now, this is a beautiful world, but it is broken, and the people in it are broken. If someone is or feels alone in a world like this, how can you expect anything but cries for attention and companionship? If the normative calls are failing, such as broken friendships or a cold household, a person might get desperate. Now, I am not advocating that a person dive into the breach to "save" anyone alone (see above point). I am saying that the need for attention is part of being a human. As a human being, I feel obligated to my fellow humans. If someone in my proximity is lonely, broken, sick, whatever, it is a part of my job as a person to bring them into the circle. There no exceptions to this obligation. Period. 

So now what? / A sum-up of my story

Do what you can to love on your fellow humans and to be the most loyal and kindest person the hurting person has ever met. This does not mean you should carry their secrets all alone. There are professionals who have trained for years to capably offer counseling. However, you can be the loving influence who does not abandon a drowning person. I know I was not abandoned, years ago, when I was at my worst. When I was in my darkest places, I was certainly acting out for attention. Yes, the conscious reason was to cope, and there were things out of my control. However, I could have done more to cover up what was going on and what I was doing to cope, and where I was breaking down. That would have a been terrible. I needed the attention I got (and before someone jumps on a high horse, a lot of the attention I needed was medical). I know that now, though I would not have seen it then. But here's the thing: I really and truly needed the help I got. If I hadn't been seen, if I hadn't put up some red flags, I would be dead. I don't write that for shock value; I mean "dead" in the literal sense of the word. Things are different now for me now, and have been for a long time, but this stigma on acting out hasn't changed. I challenge you, the reader, to reconsider the idea of asking for attention, and to not turn a blind eye or use this excuse. 

Yes, be wise about how you go about helping someone. 

Yes, call in back-up when needed. 

Just don't look away for a reason like this. It's not a good one. 

And to those who saw me and didn't use this excuse: 

Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know what I owe you, and I am doing my best to pass it forward. I can give very little back except for my gratitude and my prayers. So thank you. Always, always, thank you. 

Priorities: Object or Function? or, Why I Should Stick to Used Books.

Tonight, when I walked into my apartment, my roommate asked me what was wrong. When I said nothing, she gave me that "your pants are combusting" look. And she was right: I was upset. I hadn't gotten in a fight with anyone, I am within the normal range of the "behind on homework" bell curve that dominates college, and I have been having a wonderful week. However I was upset, and it took me a moment to place why I was stressed. I was getting stressed out about a book.  A very pretty, fancy book, that I am told is rather valuable, but at it's heart, just a book. More specifically, a book that belongs to me.

I was scared I was going to bend it, tear a page, something.

Let me repeat that: I was freaking out that I was going to inflict signs of reading when I read MY book. 

What?

I love reading, I love books, and I've always been careful with my possessions (I cried in fourth grade because I made a small tear in my Bible). But somehow, this feels different. I am afraid of this book:

Franklin Library, 1976: The Confessions of Saint Augustine

I'm not afraid of the contents of the book. Intimidated, because reading Confessions by Saint Augustine is no joke. No, I'm afraid of damaging a book by reading it.

Stupid, right?

But how often do we do that? I know I elevate things way beyond where they belong in my estimation. I love reading, but somehow I don't want to read a copy of a book -- one I have no desire to ever sell, so it's not really a commodity -- because I love the book too much. That's just wrong.

It's the same thing as buying a new shirt and not wanting to wear it, in case it gets stained.
Being afraid someone is going to ding the door on your new car.
Crying when you first notice a pick-scratch on a guitar.
Being afraid to wear new shoes in case dirt gets on them.

Being careful with objects is one thing, and I'm not saying we shouldn't treat things as though they are valuable, but it's not like this is the most expensive book I own (it cost a little under a dollar at a moving sale) nor the most valuable (can anyone say "textbooks"? good).

I think it's time I examine my own life for the places that "Love of the Thing" is exceeding "Love of the Function."

Let me explain.

I need to love reading more than I love the book itself. Playing more than the guitar itself. Looking and feeling pretty more than the clothes themselves.

As a Christian, I am also pretty sure this is a form of idolatry. I figure it's idolatry because I am attaching value to an object beyond what it actually does. What does a book do? For me, it contains words and worlds I can explore. In the case of this very pretty book, it's a piece of art, but interactive art, that is meant to be handled and worn down, pages yellowed, passed down as the ancient book on Heidi's shelf, not some untouchable relic in a box or closet somewhere. I want my life to be full of light and joy, full of freedom, not of relics.

I'm not against treasure. But I am reminded of the Scripture: "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." In the original passage, Jesus was talking about serving God and Money (or rather, how we serve God or Money). However, it also works as advice: do you treasure the guitar over the sound/feel, the car over the driving, the clothes over the look, the shoes over the walking, the book over the words? Because if that's the case, priorities need a serious check.

And in case you're wondering, I will be using this copy for my report. After all, it's a book. Why not read it?

Why Anne Shirley is the Queen of Nerd- and Fangirls

I've noticed that people seem to think being a super-fan started in the 1950's and 60's, when both comics and The Beatles were all the rage, and when kids suddenly had free time and when they also stopped listening to their parents. As amazing as early comics were (you know, the pre-war stuff that's utterly impossible to find), and as awesome the rise of Rock and Roll must have been to teens at the time.... the super-fan had already been around for quite a while. To prove my point, we're going to look at the ultimate Nerd and Fangirl: Anne Shirley, or Lady Cordelia, or Queen Anne (a nickname given by her friends because she is fabulous). 

You can see the intense fangirl stare from here. 

Do you doubt me? Let's examine the evidence.

1. Anne spends a huge portion of her books quoting from other books. You cannot tell me that fangirls don't just walk around making references to things CONSTANTLY. 

"My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. That's a sentence I read in a book once, and  Isay it over to comfort myself whenever I'm disappointed in anything." - Anne of Green Gables, Chapter 5

2. Anne starts a "story club" (read: rich people fanfiction) with her friends, and then supplies most of the plots and characters.

If there is a group of fangirls who all belong in the same fandom, one comes up with the fanfiction/headcanons, and the rest approve or disapprove. Also, in the book, Anne cries not only when they read the stories in the Story Club, but Anne actually cries when she writes. She's got fandom feels if anyone does. 

Ruby Gillis just wants lovemaking in all the stories [Anne of Green Gables, Chapter 26]

3. Anne does not take books or book adaptations lightly. 

Anne comes downstairs multiple times in tears because of something in a book. Fandom Feels. In that same vein, she wants to live the story through adaptations, but... 

"But it's so ridiculous to have a red-headed Elaine [a heroine of Camelot]... I'm not afraid to float down [a river] and I'd love to be Elaine. But its ridiculous just the same." - Anne of Green Gables, Chapter 28

Still, Anne let acting win over looks, which is always the preferred fandom way. After she nearly dies reenacting a funeral, she says flat-out that the only romance is in stories. Boom. Fangirl quote right there. 

4. Diana Berry is her best friend. 

Diana gets a subcategory because she is the ultimate best friend/fangirl sidekick. 

Why? 

• Diana's stories have too many murders because she doesn't know what to do with side characters. I am vaguely reminded of Moffatt here. 
• Diana is a shipper. She's been Team #blythecarrots from the beginning. 
• Diana went to Matthew's school of critics. Translation: Anne wrote it, it must be brilliant. 
• Diana is going to get her own blog post one of these days.
• One of Anne's favorite things about Diana is that she has a cool name. Look it up, it's in the book. 

5. Anne calls herself Cordelia for YEARS, because Anne is a "commonplace name." 

This was such a big deal to her that Diana actually named her daughter Anne Cordelia. I'm definitely revisiting Diana in her own post.  

6. Anne KNOWS life is a stage, and takes tragedy accordingly.

See: carrots incident, the hair dye incident, the Mrs. Lynde incident, the drunk incident, the Haunted Wood incident, and basically the entire first book. 

7. Anne is head of her class. 

Even with all that reading she does, Anne has time to be the best in school in most subjects, and constantly in... guess what subject... English. Except sometimes she indulges in light reading (Like Ben-Freaking-Hur) instead of her history homework. #myactualhighschoolexperience

8. Anne just wants to read about romance. 

I'm convinced Anne would love romantic TV shows as well, but what's important is that Anne doesn't want actual boy drama. She just wants to read about it. And obsess about it. But only the fictional kind. Gossip drives her crazy. 

9. Anne stubbornly refuses to let go of her romantic ideal for OVER TEN YEARS....

Sherlock. Winchester brothers. The Doctor. Need I say more? Romantic ideals are the life of a fangirl. All nerds and Fangirls know that feel.

"Tall and handsome and distinguished-looking -- dark, melancholy, inscrutable eyes -- melting, musical, sympathetic voice -- yes, the very hero of her dreams stood before her in the flesh." Anne of the Island, chapter 25

... Then she marries her hot nerd friend with a sense of humor. 

Girl wrote the book on denying true love for years. And the book of Sass. 

And finally... 

10. Anne leads her life like she's a heroine of a story. HER STORY. 

She's the Queen of the Fangirls because Anne is always Anne, will always be Anne. She loves her books, loves her friends, and gets the fandom feels. She is supportive of her friends' interests, bravely pursues her own when no one else is following, and is all-around the heroine and Queen of Nerds, the ultimate Fangirl. And the best part is, she doesn't even know it. She just thinks she's a nerd. 

Getting Blamed: My Response

As human beings, we blame each other. The first two people who ever sinned immediately blamed someone, Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the Snake. That reality has dogged human history ever since.

We also build classes, ways that we could discredit people and devalue them (a sort of blaming). These classes exploit each other and attack each other, justifying their own actions by devaluing tose they take advantage of. And, when injustice is done to a people group in a certain historical period, the victims blame the perpetrators until either justice comes or the situation is rectified. This blaming continues for generations, perhaps. Often, people don't blame the long-dead, active perpetrators, but the still-living descendants who benefit from the sins of their class (I say class instead of race because race is arbitrary. All white people are the same? Tell that to the Irish immigrants of the mid-1800's).

I am not here to say we should stop people from blaming. In fact, I would like to say the opposite.

I'm not here to present some woe-is-me victim mentality, and I am not saying everyone uses sweeping generalizations when they talk about a people group. I just want to present a different perspective. If you are actively blamed for something you had no part in, I would ask if you actively or passively disassociate from that event.

Let me explain.

If you see a systemic injustice -- one put in place by the actual perpetrators -- are you doing anything at all to tear it down? There is systemic racism and sexism built into our economic and justice system. I am on the benefitting side on one of these issues, and the losing side on the other. The fact is, there are people who categorize my entire race, who blame me for things that I had no part in, and that my family had no part in. When that happens and I see it, I can get on a high horse and say that I didn't do those things, or I can join them in their fight for justice. As a white person, I benefit at the higher levels from certain types of racism. As a woman, there is a glass ceiling that will make it very difficult for me to get to those upper levels. It is my duty to fight for the victims, to show compassion, to see from the perspective of those who have been wounded. That is what it means to love justice.

Justice anywhere is the beginning of justice everywhere.

I am in a unique position to fight for justice for those that want to blame me. If someone puts the responsibility of a few people's crazy actions on my shoulders, I can yell and fuss and say it's not my fault, or I can accept the position I was born into, and use it to perpetuate change. That's happened at a small level in my life. In Hawaii, I've seen people blame the entire white population for the overthrow, for new hotels, for fancy houses and irresponsible water use, for everything. Fact is, I can say I have nothing to do with it, or I can get involved. Instead of saying I am not to blame, I can make myself blameless by being one of the people that fights for the right thing.

If I do that, I am speaking not only to my character, but to the character of my people, my family, and my God.

Speaking of my God: 
Jesus took the sins of the world on his shoulders. He became sin. I am pretty sure that is a clear instruction/example for me, as a Christ-follower, to take the sin I am assigned by blamers in stride. By accepting the group's sins as belonging to me (just as they belong to everyone in the group) I have a uniquely strong platform for change. Think about it. That's how revolution works best: the people who are told they are wrong accept it and change.

Just like everyone else,  I was assigned a class at birth, based on my gender and ethnicity, and issues that will dog me for my entire life. I can run, deny, or blame, or I can accept and be a force for change.

I choose change.

Giving Thanks

I heard a fantastic quote about human beings the other day:

we are clever, but we forget. 

That's exactly what we do. As a species, we figured out how the planets move around the sun, but I still ask for the date in class. As Americans, we live in a country with plenty of available food and shelter, plus resources for the sick. And yet, we need a day to remember that we are fortunate. 

We need a day to remember that things were not always like this.

To remember that tomorrow is never promised to anyone. 

To remember that many don't live like we do even now. 

To remember that what we have is a gift.

To remember who to thank. 

This is a different sunset, same feeling.

I remember I was driving home from UHMC one day, and there was an absolutely stunning sunset. I mean, this was on Maui, so many sunsets are stunning. It's almost normal to see something postcard-worthy on your drive home, and then to complain about the traffic. But I have always been a huge fan of sunsets, and this one was impressive. I remember saying to myself, "I'm glad I have a God, because I have someone to thank for this." 

Another time, I was watching two little girls at sunset, so we watched all the clouds change colors. 

And there are countless sunsets I missed, that I wasn't grateful for. 

If you aren't religious, that's not the entire point of this post, and I do respect your position. Still, for me, I need to remember that I say I believe there is an actual Person listening to me and who wants to talk with me. If I say I believe in a God that wants to talk with me, who loves me, and who longs to be loved by me as well, and I say I do love Him, perhaps I should spend a little more time every day thanking Him. I mean, seriously. 

This also applies to my parents, to friends, to teachers, to everyone who has given to me in a way I can't pay back. 

I can't paint God a sunset. 

But... I can say "thank you." I can mean it, and I need to do so. That's what I believe in. 

And when I forget, and finals/final papers are looming, things aren't going the way I wish they were, I have a day to remember to say "Thank You."

10 of My Favorite Movie Quotes (and My All-Time Favorite)

THIS POST ABSOLUTELY CONTAINS SPOILERS AND IS NOT COMPREHENSIVE OF ALL MY FAVORITE MOVIE QUOTES. PART TWO WILL COME EVENTUALLY.

The title is pretty self-explanatory, but I want to mention that I'm not going to post the "Top Ten Quotes of All Time" list. Someone, somewhere, has written that list. These are just quotes from films that I can't get out of my head.
Stories that won't leave once you've heard them.
Moments we live in our real lives.
Most of them dangerously funny.

10. "And that's why papa says she'll never get married."
-Zipporah's sister, after she drops Moses (back) into the well (The Prince of Egypt).

The best part of this quote is that Zipporah and Moses get married. This quote gives me reassurance that I don't have to be the compliant quiet mousey girl to find someone to spend my life with. I can be Sassy Zipporah (that's just how I roll) and I will be all g. 

9. "I can see you managed to get your shirt off."

- Dr. Lazarus, as Captain Taggart is being chased by a giant rock monster (GalaxyQuest). 

On the one hand, we all have those friends who need to show off their bodies 100000% of the time. On the other hand, we have those friends who just can't let go of their personal problems with other people long enough to be helpful. Either way, this scene is perfect. 

8. "To despair is to turn your back on God." 

- Marilla, after telling Anne she cannot stay at Green Gables (Anne of Green Gables).

In context, this might be the worst thing Marilla could have said, but for me, that line is a short summary of my faith. Having despaired, I can say I had turned my back on God. Having kept my face to Him, I haven't despaired again. I'd say Marilla was right. Also, it's a beautiful contrast to Anne's moments of falling into "the depths of despair," and how as her faith grows -- and she matures -- that phrase disappears. She stops falling that low, even in her darkest hours. 

7. "Who said life is fair? Where is that written?"

- Grandpa, to grandson (The Princess Bride)

Grandpa is king of spoiling-without-spoiling. If you remember this scene, he tells his grandson all about the ending without giving it away. Also, life isn't fair. Sometimes, it's not fair against us, and sometimes, life being unfair is our greatest advantage.

6. "Fight! Win! And do come back soon; I enjoy our visits."

- Edna Mode, to Helen Parr (The Incredibles)

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! 

5. "What do you mean he don't eat no meat? Oh that's okay, that's okay, I make lamb."

- Aunt Voula, on finding out Toula's fiance Ian is a vegetarian. 

The dignity! 

This entire movie is one giant quotable mess, but this might be my favorite Voula line, just because it's so not okay. I have IBS, so whenever my it is flaring up really badly and I say I can't eat something, this scene re-enacts. Or someone forgets I'm lactose intolerant and I don't have lactase pills on me. I quote this and comfort myself. 

4. "Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led. And, of course, the quality of the pancakes."

- Dr. Hilbert, explaining to Harold why someone might choose to eat nothing but pancakes instead of choosing to live. (Stranger than Fiction).

When I quote this in real life, I almost never get it right. However, it's a great point. How good is your life? How good are the pancakes? What are you willing to change? 

3. "Everybody's got dead people!" 

- Rocket, to Drax (Guardians of the Galaxy)

I scream this at my TV when characters blame their problems on their dead relatives. But, it's true. We've all got dead people. We all miss someone. Live a little kinder (which was absolutely not Rocket's point) and remember that, while we have a right and need to grieve, we can't justify destroying other people's lives just because we are in pain (which was Rocket's point). 

2. "No, that's a simile."

- Fellow students arguing over the finer points of grammar while Madeline experiences a medical emergency. 

That's how kids are. That's how we all get. We want to be right and we miss the important stuff. Also, this scene is a perfect three-part joke. 

1. "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

- Samwise Gamgee to Frodo Baggins (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)

My mom once preached an entire sermon on how everybody needs a Sam, and she was right. We all need a Sam in our lives. 

BONUS: "He must have known was he was doing." 

- Susan to Lucy, when Aslan has been killed on the Stone Table (The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe)

This is my favorite scene in any movie. Susan is holding onto her only hope and comfort when all hope is gone: Aslan knew what he was doing. She, who has tried to be the parent figure for so long, has to step up and be the person Lucy has to depend on. And what does she say? Not that it will be alright. Not that it makes sense. Just that Aslan knew what he was doing. And he did... but Susan just had to trust that she was right, and that even when the world made no sense, Aslan was still the King. 

Learning to Love Little You

Inside all of us, we are everyone we used to be.

There's five-year-old Heidi who sits in a room in my Mind Palace with fifteen-year-old Heidi. And that's okay. 

I'm learning to love my young self.

Oh my gosh, but she did have good hair.

She wasn't happy, to be honest. My child-self suffered.
All of us have pain our child-self lived with, and lived through.

Sometimes, our child-self tries to grab the steering wheel when we start driving toward something that hurt us in the past. It does everything it can to avoid pain, even when the pain is important for our current self to go through.
Our child-self decided what to fear.
Our child-self decided what hurts.

I was a cabbage patch doll

It's important to respect and understand that self's decisions, and then to do what needs to be done anyway. I'm learning how important it is for me to gently take my child-self's hands off the steering wheel, hold her tight, and make sure she know that Current Self is going to do all she can to take care of all of us.
I need to acknowledge the little girl who is scared of the dark.

And...
I need to acknowledge the little girl that still wants to play. The one who has the imagination to find an adventure in every moment of every day. There's a child in there. She's innocent, she's naive, she just wants to be safe and loved. I can't go back in time and tell my parents, or pastors, or friends what to fix. I get to be the one who loves and protects those younger selves. And I need to be the adult. The version of me that knows the child-self will be okay gets to call the shots.

The fact of the matter is, I get to choose who drives. 

Maybe five-year-old self does understand the beauty of a butterfly more than I do. She should be the one who looks at beautiful things. There's not a chance in childhood to fill up your heart with enough beauty, so I'm going to show my child-self all the beautiful things I see. I might have the understanding of Fall leaves that a twenty-year-old has, but I can have the wonder of a five-year-old.

Early-teen-self is not allowed to talk when I'm sad. She's reckless, impulsive, destructive, and I don't need her anywhere near driving. However, she feels deeply and honestly. Let's be honest, twenty-year-old self has the mechanics, techniques, and language to write poetry and songs, but early-teen-self has the pain to inspire a song. 

I guess I'm learning that growing up isn't to just turn from one thing into another, it's to outgrow an old self and preserve their memory in my body and heart, knowing that I had a heart then, and that heart beats inside mine now. 

It's okay that sometimes I feel like I'm ten. 

It's okay to be a grown-up. 

Long live the child in me.